Tales of a Fakaleiti Friend

Tales of a Fakaleiti Friend

This is a tale because I have no fakaleiti friends.
Do you remember Fedora Hat Guy? At first, I thought he would be a fakaleiti friend. But no. He’s not. My village thinks we’ll get married and have lots of babies. So much for my effort in having a Tongan male friend.
If you know me fairly well, I’ve had a huge goal of having a gay best friend. I do have one back at home, but I never see him—obviously.
Why am I so adamant about having a GBF? After all, I want friends no matter if they’re gay, straight, tall, short, Asian, Tongan, conservative, democrat…
I think it’s a comfort thing. I’d love to have a male BF in whom I can trust with my deep secrets. Someone who will listen and respond with honesty, someone who can help me shop, someone who knows my habits, my strengths and weaknesses. A normal friend. But I love having guys around, and I would love even more to have a prominent guy in my life where the whole sex thing will never be an issue. Comfort. Stability. Friendship.

But it’s impossible in Tonga.
Fedora Hat Guy is not a fakaleiti.
I did dance with a fakaleiti once. She was adorable and had an awesome outfit on. I told her how I loved her shoes and her yellow jacket, and she hugged me and said, “Oh, thaaaaannnkkk yoooouuuuu!”
So what is a fakaleiti?
Basically, the literal translation is “like a lady”. Fakaleitis are the third gender in Tonga, and though homosexuality is illegal, if a man has sex with a fakaleiti, it’s totally fine, because the fakaleiti (a male dressed as a female), holds the pronoun ‘she’, acts like a ‘she’, and is a ‘she’ during intercourse, even if the plumbing isn’t so she-ish.
Fakaleitis were very prominent and more common up until a few years ago, probably because of Western influence. Many parents raised their youngest sons up as fakaleitis if the family had no female children. The mother would dress the boy as a girl, and he/she would do female chores and help manage the household.
Eventually, the fakaleiti would “grow out” of the state and was normally expected to marry (a woman). It wasn’t unusual if the fakeleiti didn’t marry, but it was totally common if he did.
Anymore, Tongans I have spoken with tease men or young boys about being fakaleitis if they are either very smart, have feminine mannerisms, or if they often do things or jobs associated with women, such as sewing, dancing, cleaning, cooking, etc.
Now, of course, “gay” is evolving into the vocabulary, although lesbians aren’t spoken or heard of.